Little is known about the early life of American avante-garde composer and political
activist Irving “Soupy” Kvetchinshnook. Scholars are reasonably certain that he was
born in the Borough Park section of Brooklyn, New York to a working class Jewish
family sometime in the late1920’s. He first appears on the world stage in 1945, when
he applies for matriculation at the Julliard School of Music in Manhattan.
Kvetchinshnook is rejected for three reasons; first, it’s established through testing
that he is completely tone deaf and has no sense of rhythm. Second, he is unable to
perform at even the most rudimentary level on any instrument. Finally, he is unable to
produce a high school diploma.
Undaunted by what he perceives to be the irrational prejudices of the school board,
Kvetchinshnook sues Julliard with the aid of prominent attorney Clyde Klutzer. In the
landmark case “Kvetchinshnook vs. Julliard”, the New York Civil Court rules in favor
of Kvetchinshnook, establishing the principle that a school cannot discriminate
against a student with arbitrary tests that claim to measure aptitude or talent.
As a consequence of the lawsuit, Julliard is forced not only to accept
Kvetchinshnook as a student, but compelled to pay his tuition and living expenses
during his tenure as a student. Trying to make the best of a hopeless situation, the
school encourages their new charge to concentrate on theoretical studies which
require no musical ability whatsoever. Their efforts, however, prove futile, and after
fourteen years during which the student produces nothing but taped music, and has
ruined several hundred Steinways while attempting to “prepare” them for some of
his more demanding works, the school board decides to award him a doctorate in
theory for his work on the harmonic treatise “Origin of the Species Counterpoint”, a
controversial work where he attempts to prove that ten thousand chimpanzees
locked in a gymnasium for ten years with a cantus firmus and a lot of pencils will not
only smell bad, but produce viable counterpoint exercises.
Armed with his degree and his political idealism, Kvetchinshnook sets off into the
world, seeking to make his mark on the landscape of the avante-garde and in the
arena of political ideas. After having his taped music rejected by several publishing
and recording companies and no longer living off the largesse of the Julliard School,
Kvetchinshnook soon finds himself living in homeless shelters and eating in soup
kitchens, hence his moniker, “Soupy“.
It was at this time that Soupy began work on his first major piece, “A Lincoln
Continental Portrait”. This highly innovative piece combines Soupy’s lack of musical
talent with his misguided political beliefs. The “score” for the piece calls for two
performers; one dressed as Abraham Lincoln, complete with stovepipe hat, and the
other dressed as a NASCAR driver. The only “instrument” required is a 1955 Lincoln
Continental. The score instructs the performer dressed as Lincoln to read the
Gettysburg Address, while the Nascar driver revs the car engine and honks the horn
incessantly, drowning out Lincoln’s great speech. The piece attempts to
demonstrate the degeneration of the Republican Party since the time of Lincoln,
demonstrating it’s fall into the hands of big-business and pathological polluters.
Unable to find a venue for performance for his masterpiece, Soupy becomes
distraught and suffers a nervous collapse. It is believed that during this period he
spends several years at a state mental institution. He feels completely at home there
because it reminds him of a 20th century music class he took while at Julliard.
He emerges again during the time of the 1964 presidential campaign. Living in
Greenwich Village at a homeless shelter, he makes the acquaintance of the former
borscht-belt comedian and political aspirant Eddie “Shecky” Rosenfelt. Soupy
becomes a devoted follower of Rosenfelt and is convinced that his “big shtick”
policy is the answer to all of America’s social ills. Soupy becomes Rosenfelt’s chief
political advisor and helps propel him to national prominence as the presidential
candidate for the communist party. The campaign, however, ends in disaster when it’
s discovered that Rosenfelt had allegedly “padded” his resume by claiming that he
had been the emcee at the Palace Theatre immediately after Milton Burlap had quit to
do a radio show in Hollywood. Right-wing zealots wishing to destroy Rosenfelt
produced documents proving that he was actually a prison guard at Auschwitz at the
time he claimed to be at the Palace. Although Rosenfelt’s supporters pointed out the
fact that he was Jewish and therefore would never have been allowed to be a guard
at a Nazi prison camp fell on deaf ears once the press had already run with the
unverified story.
Discouraged by the vicissitudes of political life, Soupy again returned to
composition. Blaming the failure of his “Lincoln Continental Portrait” on the public’s
distaste for progressive ideas, he turned his attention to comic opera. Still obsessed
with big cars, he began work on his next masterpiece “The Barber’s Coupe Deville.”
This charming story of Italian-American culture marks the first time we see Soupy’s
fascination with the Mafia. This infatuation is made plane in later works such as
“Concerto for Viola de Gambino”, “Tony Soprano Rhapsody” and “I Gotti You Under
My Skin.”
The libretto, written by playwright and bookie Vinny “The Chin” Chianti, is the story
of Perry Cuomo, local barber and crooner who later becomes governor of New York.
Cuomo is visited one afternoon by mafia don Sonny “Ugatz” Stunato, boss of the
powerful Palumbo family. Sonny is so pleased with his haircut that he buys Perry a
new Cadillac. Overcome with excitement, Perry takes his new car for a spin around
his Bensonhurst, Brooklyn neighborhood. While turning off 18th avenue down a side
street on his way to Coney Island, Perry spots the ravishing beauty Rosalina, who
happens to be standing on her fire escape gazing at the church garden across the
street. Perry stops and honks his horn, inviting Rosalina to take a ride with him to
Coney Island. Rosalina responds by saying that she isn’t allowed to leave her
apartment, where she is being held captive by her evil Godfather, Don Corndogonly,
proprietor of a local hot dog stand. She also tells Perry that even if she were allowed
to leave, as a member of the Sierra Club she wouldn’t be caught dead riding in a
Cadillac when there was plenty of adequate public transportation in Brooklyn.
Overcome with desire, Sonny drives to the home of his Dutch Uncle, Figaro
Esposito. Uncle Figaro is considered a shrewd advisor, and has worked as an
itinerant consigliere to the aforementioned Palumbo family. Figaro’s plan is simple
but brilliant; Perry will disguise himself as a Jehovah’s witness and ring
Corndogonly’s doorbell. When Corndogonly answers, Uncle Figaro and his
assistants, Carmine and Rocco, will force him at gunpoint to leave, tying his hands
and feet and throwing him into the trunk of the Caddy. In the meantime, Perry will run
upstairs and abduct Rosalina, taking her by subway to Port Authority where they’ll
catch a bus to Maryland where they can be married immediately. Figaro, in the
meantime , will keep the Don in the trunk until the couple return. Condemned by the
Italian anti-defamation league for it’s blatant use of Italian-American stereotypes, the
opera is destined never to see the light of day.
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bibliography, further reading,
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